The Diary of Sam Mayday Malone
by SamandDianeOTP
Summary: Recommended by Diane, Sam starts to write a diary. In the start he did it to impress Diane but finds out later that maybe writing thoughts and feelings down isn't that bad a thing once in a while... First chapter taking place in 1983.
1. Prologue

**Well, I've been thinking about writing a diary for Sam or Diane in a long time and I finally got myself to do it.  
I chose Sam, because I think Diane would be too tough a cookie for me to handle. I'm not the one with all the words...So that's why Sam is a perfect match for me!  
I hope you can imagine this as Sam's diary...Truth been told, I just randomly wrote something down without giving it to many thoughts...  
But I hope you like and as always let me know what you think!  
This is taking place in the begining of Sam and Diane's relationship...And it's supposed to end many years from this point..  
Enjoy!**

_Dear diary,_

Oh this is stupid! I don't even know why I'm doing this! Or well that's not true. I'm doing it because she thought "it'd be a good idea" so I could learn how to open for some of my inner feelings. Stupidest thing I ever heard!  
Why did I even listen to her? Probably because it makes her happy.  
Yeah, she likes sitting there in the corner, pretending that she's reading while she's secretly observing me.  
I know it. I can see it by the way she looks. She got that little smirk of hers, she usually put on whenever she's right about something or satisfied. Well, she maybe think she won by getting me to do this, "writing a diary" stuff, but she's wrong. I'm not doing this because of her. Not entirely. I'm only pretending. This isn't a diary. Or well, I am writing silly thoughts as you usually do in diaries, but I tell ya, I'm not going to write about deep emotional feelings. I'm just gonna write whatever comes to my mind, that's all. Maybe something interesting I've experienced through the day. Like a notebook or something. Not a diary. Diaries are for girls.  
So what's the main topic of the day…Well, Diane and I went for a walk at the park.  
It was actually quite nice. It was some nice surroundings with orange leaves falling down from the tress. We talked. We talked A LOT. About everything. This thing about being in a committed relationship means that I have to learn every single bit about her. I need to know what her favorite meal is; I need to know her taste of music… All those silly things that apparently means so much to chicks. I also need to take part in her interests. She's begun to talk about us taking dance lesson. I'm not too crazy about the idea, but it's better than going to the opera, I guess.  
It has been quite a change this last month. Going from being a hound to being in a committed relationship. That isn't easy, I tell ya! But to tell the truth, it has actually worked out pretty nice.  
I never thought that staying with only 'one' woman could be so enjoyable. I guess, I was just looking for the right one. It's funny how our differences seem to make the relationship even more exciting. No doubt that she's my perfect match when we hit the sack together, but I have to admit that's not the only thing that's great. Everything is great. That feeling I get when she walks through the door and puts on a smile when she sees me, makes my heart skip a beat.  
Her laughter makes me feel the butterflies in my stomach. The sparks when our lips part.  
Everytime she's happy, I'm happy. Even when I'm mad at her, I can't stay for long.  
This whole exploration of being with someone on longer terms has surprised me a lot. And until now it has only been positive. I hope that it stays that way. I hope that whenever there'll be downs, there'll be ups. I hope that we'll always find joy in each other's company.  
It won't be a straight road, I know that already now. There will be bumps on the way, but I hope that we can make it through anyway. It's odd, but I've never felt like this before. The feeling of being loved on that kinda way is truly special.  
It's-  
Wait! Now this IS turning into a diary! What am I doing? This wasn't supposed to happen!  
Sure this would please her. I fell for her trick even though I promised myself, I wouldn't.  
Oh gezz…Well I guess I wrote enough twaddle by now…  
I think, I'm ready for my "thank you, let me show my appreciation" gift.

I guess this won't be the last time I'll be writing in you 'diary'.  
Especially not if I'm going to be thanked for it (if you know what I mean).  
Well, I guess this is bye for now!  
Bye!

_Sam. _


	2. September 19th, 1984

**Second chapter up people! I felt like I went a little 'over the edge' with this chapter. Not sure if it's exactly like Sam would've put it, but yeah this is hoe it turned out. I'm not quite sure if the date matches, but I guessed so...  
BTW: Working on the next chapter of "Things you didn't know", and I expect to be done within the week...BUT I CAN'T PROMISE! I'll do my best!  
Well, enough said!  
Here ya go!**

* * *

_September 19th, 1984_

Dear Diary,

Well, this is just perfect timing I guess. I thought that I had thrown you away a long time ago. Apparently you've just been laying here and waited for me. Waiting for me to come out with more stupid stuff. Actually I'm filled with stupid stuff right now. Anger, bitterness.  
I've just returned from Cheers after having the biggest fight with Diane ever which also turned out to be the end of our relationship. Feels like it has just been waiting around the corner the last couple of months. Especially this last month.  
There've been so many things leading up to it. We always had our fights and discussions but they were all harmless compared to the ones we've had lately. They were never meant to hurt each other. I found myself happy every time I caused her pain. And to be serious, it freaks me out a bit! It's like I haven't been in control of my actions these last couple of times where we've had huge fights.  
And clearly I showed that tonight. You know, she had gone behind my back. I told her not to get this Semenko guy to paint her and yet she did. Why? Because she wanted him to or because I didn't want him to? I got the answer of that later this evening.  
She came down to the bar today with the painting. I was so furious. I felt betrayed. Betrayed like I did when she told me that she had taken another man to a concert without letting me know.  
Long story, but since then I've been a lot meaner to her than what I attended to be.  
I think that was about the time, I found myself enjoying the times I made her suffer.  
I guess I just wanted her to know how it really feels when someone goes behind your back. But since I found myself unable to go behind her back, I just tried to make her surfer a bit in these silly arguments. I've never been so aware of going into an argument like this ever before.  
Tonight was no excuse. She did it again. Went behind my back. This time I wasn't going to hold back. The whole thing ended up it slapping and nose-grabbing. It needed to get out for real now.  
When I sort of calmed down, I tried to make everything okay again.  
But it occurred to me that this couldn't be fixed at the exact moments she said:  
_You hit me!  
_The words hit me like a stone would. She meant it. She was frightened.  
I tried to-  
Yeah I'm not sure what I tried to. Before I knew she was about to leave. But not before I had said something.  
I told her straight: _Get the hell outta here._ I threw her out._  
_She wasn't the only one that finished this relationship.  
She gave me one last chance though. She told me that if I didn't stop her, this was the last time I'd see her. I sighed deeply. I knew it was over and so did she. I didn't say anything else before she had already opened the door.  
I felt a sudden urge to stop her but instead I said goodbye to her and vice versa.  
And that was that. I saw her legs run up the stairs. I was so close. So close to run after her.  
But I came to my senses.  
I turned around, walked around and then came to think of it.  
It was still there. The painting. I took a knife, opened it and saw it.  
There she was. On a painting. But it didn't look like her. It didn't look like the Diane I know.  
The one on the painting showed clear unhappiness, anger, pain and so much more of the bad stuff. There was only the feeling of sadness about the painting.  
Suddenly I came to realize all the pain I caused her. All the times I hurt her on purpose. All the times where I clearly I haven't given her what she deserves. It made me understand, somehow.  
That I would never be the man she wanted me to be. Instead I turned in to something even worse.  
She tried to make me better causing herself all that trouble and pain.  
I found myself pleasing her to forgive me inside my head. Saying "I'm sorry" over and over again.  
I can't-  
I can't describe how I'm feeling right now. Sitting here in darkness with only a candle to light up the whole living room. My chest hurts badly, my hands are trembling and I have this lump in my throat. The silence is overwhelmingly awful.  
I took a bottle of vodka home with me. I know it will happen sooner or later so why not start now?  
Make the pain go away.  
Make it all disappear.  
This might be the last page I'll ever write in this diary. I need to put it away. I started this when I was with her and I'm ending it today without her.  
I know- that she'll never see it, never look for it, but I'm gonna do it anyway.  
It'll be on the back of the painting of pain itself. There'll be a note. It won't make up for all.  
But I hope that it'll tell that I wasn't proud of what I made her go through. Not a single bit.  
Goodbye forever diary. I will put you behind just like I'll put her behind in my booze. Never to be found, only forgotten.  
Goodbye.

_Sam.  
_


	3. Marts 11th, 1985

_Marts 11th, 1985_

Dear diary,

I've been looking for you for quite some time now. To be honest, about a month. Well that doesn't matter now that I've found you. Boy, you never guess what happened. Yeah, as I wrote last time I went boozing. I went boozing like I hadn't in years! I really couldn't control myself once I got into it. I'm sorry that it affected so many of my friends that I began to drink again. I wasn't in control at all, and I'm not proud of what I did at all. But guess who came back to help me.  
Yep! Diane did. I tell ya, I don't think I've ever seen her look so beautiful when she walked through the door again. She wore red blouse and damn it looked good on her! She truly looked like an angel. It was like she lighted up the whole bar when she stepped in. But she wouldn't have dared to return if it weren't for Coach. He had paid her a visit as far as I'm concerned, told her about my boozing and convinced her to come back and safe me or something like that.  
When he told me that she'd stop by, I was actually quite afraid. I was afraid to face her again.  
I didn't want her help at that time, but now I'm glad, I did. I needed it more than I knew. She wanted me to meet a psychiatrist she knew who she thought could help me. And he has.  
Rough and tough hours paid off and I'm now all sober again. That day I found out that Diane hadn't had an easy time herself. Apparently Frasier Crane, the psychiatrist, worked at a sanitarium called Goldenbrook where Diane had spent the last couple of months. Boy I laughed so hard at it at first.  
I was also drunk at the time, so. But now, I'm feeling really bad about it. She'd clearly dealt with some problems herself since the breakup. But she overcame it just like I recently did.  
And I can also inform you that she recently told me that she's dating that Frasier Crane who has counseled me. Eww, I thought at first just as the others in the bar did, but then I came to realize that I should be happy for her. She's found the right guy and she's happy. Or at least she 'plays' happy.  
He's smart, yeah, but she doesn't foul me. I know that even though she tries to convince me that she's over me, she's still hung up on me. But every time we discus that subject she just accuse ME for still being crazy about her. Shsch! Right! She thinks that now that she has a 'boyfriend' she's free of all accuses. Well she can lie as much as she wants to. I couldn't care less. She means absolutely nothing to me anymore. She's the one who plays the foul in this case. Just wait and see when she comes to her senses then comes running back to me. Oh, I can't wait to laugh in the face when that time comes! But she's a tough one, I know that. And this may take a while before she gives this silly little "in love" thing up with her Doctor Crane. Poor Frasier. Too bad he has to go through all this. He's just a piece in her puzzle. He's actually a nice guy. A little too nerdy for my taste though. But the thing is that she's back and the game is on yet again.  
Who'll take the lead? We'll see. But it really doesn't matter…'cause there's already a winner.  
I'll keep you updated.  
See ya then.

Sam.


	4. April 25th, 1985

April 25th, 1985

Dear Diary,

What a week it's been. A week filled with pain, honor and lies. I'm not gonna write down every single detail about this week 'cause then I'd sit here for hours. First it was a mess that turned out to be something good that afterwards turned out to be something even worse. Apparently the girl I've been seeing was married. Like the decent man I am when it comes to sleeping with other men's wives, I broke it off. The same day I broke it off her husband came into the bar at closing time with a pointing gun at me. I desperately tried to communicate with him and at last he put down the gun. The first chance I got I removed the gun to a safer place. Well, it wasn't a safer place at all. I shot myself. And of all places possible, I shoot my butt. It should be fun to explain that part to the others in the bar. And it also turned out to be quite an explanation why I needed a cane to support me. I just tried to avoid the truth. That couldn't be so bad could it? Apparently so. I made up a huge lie that made me look like a hero who got shot in the leg when he was chasing thieves. Of course Diane would discover my lie before everyone else. She had noticed that it wasn't the leg part but the butt part that was wounded. She really got a laugh out of it when I told her, but she told me that she wouldn't tell about my little lie to anyone. But as the attention for my "fake" action got bigger her disappointment grew. She said that I was "living on a lie".  
And then just after she had left, he returned. Marvin. He had seen me on the TV. He didn't like that I was being honored like some sort of hero when it all was because I had slept with his wife. To make it all worse Diane steps in from outside and before she can turn to run, she's a part of the whole thing. I tried, you know. I tried to convince him to let her go. Instead Diane and I had to find another way out of this. Distraction didn't work so Diane gave it a try with one of her speeches. And it worked. Although it was close to go wrong. She told him that she knew how he was feeling. That feeling of being with trash. And who other than me could that be. When she stood there and explained, she seemed hurt and it seemed like she meant what she said. And it really made me feel really bad.  
He was close to shoot me yet again but he changed his mind. Saying that "it would hurt her more, than it would hurt me".  
Now I wonder if that's true. Wonder if she really cares that much about me anymore. I admit, to begin with I thought this thing with Frasier was a joke. But now after more intense observing she seems happy, somehow. I've begun to have my doubts, I must say. She's _too_ happy, and that kills me. But if Marvin was right, than she must feel 'something' for me. She, on the other hand looked like she was acting the whole "I love him with all my heart" scene out. Did she do it to fool me or did she do it to fool Marvin? I can't say for sure. The only thing I know right now is that I'm thankful that she was there to save me once again. I tried to show her my thankfulness and respect by calling the newspaper to get them straight about what really happened. Unfortunately the babe in the other end liked my heroism so I decided to leave it alone.

In the corner of the eye I saw Diane leave. I'll never tell this to anyone, but everytime she leaves, I'm afraid it's the last time she does.  
Why does that thought scare the heck outta me?

Sam.


End file.
